Tuesday, September 13, 2005

133t h4xx000rzzzz!!11!!
















The closest either of them will ever come to a live woman.

This post has nothing to do with politics or anything really. It's vacuous and probably boring, but if you're reading this you're bored as hell anyway so...

I downloaded the demo version of Battlefield 2, a first person shooter in which the focus is on teamwork to capture various objectives etc. I played it offline and I found it to be quite entertaining, good fun, I was having a good time. Suitably fortified I decided to try out the much vaunted online multiplayer aspects of the game, in which you can join teams of other people and deal virtual death and destruction to teams of enemy people. I created an account and logged in. It was a mistake.

I got killed 4 times in about 2 minutes which wasn't unexpected. However I didn't need to be called "faget" after each kill. Onward though, my skills, er sorry, skillz, improved in a short time and before long I was pitching and they were catching, to use an unfortunate metaphor. Instantly things changed. What follows is a rough approximation of what ensued.

ENT Me in a tank, I spot another player and promptly run him over chuckling to myself at his futile attempts to flee.

Irondong (a reasonable approximation of their name, they're all a mix of strength and genitalia):
noob faget!














A reasonable portrait of 'Irondong'


Me: What?

Irondong: f4g3t!!111!

Me: You mean 'faggot' right?

Irondong: Go to bed kid, l4me n00b!

Me: Wait, you're at HOME playing a demo game on the 'net, probably because your mum won't buy it for you, and I'm lame?

I happen to kill him again, quite accidentally, I might add, he was looking the other way, I blundered into him and blazed away, go me.

Irondong: Fuck off n00b!

Me: Are you fucking serious?

Irondong: f4g3t!

Me: Jesus, This is like Counterstrike...

Irondong: i pwn j00 n00b

Me: Didn't I just kill you? Seriously dude, can't we just play the game?

We play, Irondong joins my team and kills me, a big no no. I kill him back, the rest of my team start trying to kill me now, apparently they're friends of Irondong. I quit the game in disgust.

My experience might not generalise but given the number of game servers with names like "1337 h4xxx0rz pwn j000!!" and "v15p01zn--->br1ngz 17 b17ch" I would venture that even as we speak thousands of pimply, 15 year old virgins are sitting in semen stained shorts in their dank, FHM littered rooms living out fantasies of the machismo and power sadly lacking in their lives. I suggest you learn from my experience and avoid them. If you must play this game do so at a LAN party or somewhere else you can bring a UV light to inspect the hands of the people you'll be playing against...

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